My feeling's towards you Oneshot
by NezuVIX
Summary: Well...warning to you all if your in a really happy mood and don't want that mood to go, then I highly suggest that you go and read something else. This contains a lot of feels and warn you this might make you sad, maybe cry if you have the same feelings. This is my first one-shot on fanfiction so try and give me a little bit of slack, anywho, enjoy!


It's been nearly 2 years now that I've entered the line of being part of the relationship with you, less then 2 years of being with you, you changed me so much to the point where I'm no longer myself, to the point where I completely lost myself into the wild where it's next to impossible for me to get back, no matter how hard I try, the old me is gone, and I miss that 'old me'.

Being with you at first made me so happy, I was so happy that I smiled so many times when I'm around you and the smile I plaster isn't the fake or a show I put for everyone so they won't worry, but a real live smile, the real me. The smile that makes me smile when your around me, the smile where I feel protected, safe, and cared for. The smile that's placed upon my face when I feel wanted, and loved, so many words to describe how much I love you and I love to be around you. It makes me so happy, just so happy.

I love your warmth of you caring for me, holding on to me and showing me hope...I love you so much.

But as time goes on when I'm with you, things started to change. So many things around you and I started to change and I knew the moment I finally woke up from the dream, I snapped my eyes open to realize that so many possibilities could happen, both good and bad, and of course, I accepted the good path, then again, I thought of the bad as well, but didn't accept it. I never wanted to accept it because I knew that if I accepted the bad, things would start to fall apart, and ruin the relationship I loved to much and cherish.

Slowly each day passed by within the relationship, it was good, no great actually, it was still amazing like the first time we got together. It was...indescribable , but of course, life have to teach me the hard way that the perfect moments can't last forever, there has to be hardships and the heart breaks...

I didn't want to accept it, but in the end through the long way of this relationship, life have to hit me like a bull the hard way. Just so hard I feel like I'm about to break and cry forever in the darkness.

So many breaks up, each time we 'broke up', we always end up together again, so of course, I'm relief and forever happy that I get to still be within his arms, and still love that silly man.

But...throughout the hardships of the break-up. They all have a reason.

It's to much to bare to explain the reasons, but they all hurt of course, one of the reasons was that he felt like the relationship wasn't going to work out and distance was breaking us apart, (even though it wasn't even breaking apart) and another was that I always say I can change but really I can't (I'll admit that was my fault that time.), and another one was that he suddenly lost interest in me. Most of them were pointless...but each pointless act he acted upon of course killed me in the inside of my body and my heart every single time, causing a whole to grow in my heart where it feels like it can't be fixed.

Each time the pointless act he has done, makes it harder for me to build my wall of strength every single time, it hurts, it truly does.

But... hardest out of the rest of the reasons, was that this certain one was something I always wished and prayed to god for that would never happened. But it happened anyway, which made me grow even vulnerable, weak and insecure.

That reason is being cheated on, betrayed by that man, and heartbroken.

The was the most painful out of all of them, that pain of finding out that he cheated on me with another girl online (cyber sex) was something no man nor women should ever go threw at all, it will kill all people inside to find this out. Of course I'm one of those people that have been betrayed by the man they truly, deeply loved...he told me it was to help a friend, he told me that it was to help a friend because she has problems with her hormones (Yes, believe it or not people do have those types of problems within their bodies), but I understand, you want to help your friend and you told me that you never thought of her one bit. Yet why didn't you tell me?  
To many people what wouldn't be a big deal at all, because it's over the internet, they actually didn't do it physically right? I wanted to think it's no big deal, but it is a big deal. People should know that it's still a sexual thing, you still done it with another person. Physically or mentally, doesn't matter. It still kills by the fact that you done it.

Even just thinking about it and writing it down starts to make my heart ache, (at least when I'm in the moment). Lucky for me it took me forever to get over this pain and hole in my heart, it really did, but even though the pain is gone. There is still the hole in my heart that I don't think it will ever recover...I don't even know why theirs still a whole...I feel like something is missing.

I know I'm truly crazy for doing this, but I given you a second chance, because I still love you, my heart doesn't want to give you up...my heart and mind was telling me at the time that maybe you should see what happens if you give this man a second chance?  
He cried for me, he told me he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again. If many girls were in my position, they would just get rid of that man and go for another one and move on. Alot of people wouldn't give a man another chance because he blew it.  
But sadly for me, I still given him a second chance, hell even so many chances that it's not even funny, like I said before.

On and off

On and off.

Thats how our relationship was basically for a long time, and again, it killed me everytime, but still...I don't know why I'm bothering even to go threw this type of pain with you, and have my heart die every single time this happens. Yet I accept you back into my arms...Not sure if stupidity, or I want to see what happens next with him? Until I reached the limit myself? Wait and see? Or stupidity, it's probably both.

Anyway, the relationship with the man I'm with, is still amazing and awesome, and makes me smile. But I still feel like I don't matter to him at all...i feel like I'm not a big value to him what so ever...

The cruel words he say to me that isn't even necessary to say, he says things that hurts so much, not only it makes me angry, but it makes me want to cry as well. The things he say, the things he do without even thinking about how I feel at all hurts, I try my very hardest and all my power to prevent fights, hurting him, or anything that would make Dylan upset or angry at all. I put effort into the things I do, yet in the end all the effort I put out kills me, and makes him angry and I start to get yelled at for things I should understand, but to tell you the truth, I've tried so hard to understand things in his point of view, but he should know the disability I have to not able to understand things as fast as he does or anyone else. I get yelled no matter what I do now most of the time I'm with him or away from him...

Everything he does most of the time hurts me...it just pains me.

All I want him to know is that I can't realize things as fast nor have things click for me right away at all, nor understand, I want him to understand that I can be hurt quickly and easily, I wish for him to know is that I'm sensitive to many things. By the things he say or do. I want him to realize that my feelings are important to, and my mood is all depends on the things he says and do.

If be believes that being harsh on me and doing these things to me is going to 'help improve myself' and 'help me change' is going to help me and change about myself he has to know that his wrong. His truly absolutely wrong.

WRONG

WRONG

WRONG...

He has to realize that doing these things to me over and over again isn't going to help me, but wound me even more and make me even more insecure about myself and would only pain me even more then I'm already am now.

I want him to understand me, be there for me, and accept me for who I am. But no, I feel like whatever I say or do is never enough for him unless it pleases him. I feel like everything I do now is never enough for him, and that I feel as if I don't mean much to him anymore...

When I go to you now my love. Your words are so helpful and caring at first, but all of a sudden a big turn of events happen and you start to insult me and hurt my feelings. All I want is for you to try and help me, try and put as much effort as you can to make me happy again even though I can be stubborn.  
Even if I'm stubborn, please don't just suddenly give up on me and turn your back on me and basically tell me to fuck off and that its a waste a time to even try to even cheer me up...and leave.

I want you to try, I want you to be there for me no matter what and keep trying your hardest to be there for me and try to cheer me up as much as you can, just like back then. I don't want you to suddenly give up on me and abandon me...I want you to keep on trying like how I would always try my best and never give up on you. Put all effort to help you as much as I can. I want you to be there for me and keep cheering me on,

…

Am I really that much of a burden to you? Am I really a insecure idiot who you never want to be around when I'm at my worst? You said it yourself didn't you? You'll always be there for me? That I can trust you?

I do trust you, I do, but when it comes to coming to you when I need you at my worst, I feel like you can't be there for me at all, I feel like you don't even want to be there for me and just abandon ship to leave me alone in the fire.

I love you so much Dylan... I truly do. Your my world to me, you mean so much and I'll always be there to cheer you on and up when you need me. My arms are always wide open and always will welcome you into my heart and warmth.

But sadly...I don't even know if your going to do the same for me, will you. Ever...

Dylan...

I can't even go and talk to you about things anymore because I fear your going to leave me behind like you always do and suddenly give up on me and no longer try...

I'm loosing myself once more Dylan...I am.

But I don't know whats keeping me to still be with you Dylan, I don't know what's pushing me to continue to move forward with you. You hurt me so much, you put me threw so much pain when I'm with you.

I'm happy with you.

Then I'm suddenly hurt by you.

This pattern is going on and off and it's driving me insane, to the point where I no longer want to be with you...

But Dylan...the hardest thing for me to do right now is let go of you, because even though you put me threw so much hell with you. I can't seem to let go...

It's like theirs still a little spark of hope within yourself...and still hope in this relationship that one day it will get better, just not now, but soon. But if this is going to make me pathetic for even doing something as crazy as this, then I won't mind, I'm still going to hold on, until it's time for us to part way.

But in the mean time, that's probably not going to happen for a really long time...

Dylan you maybe a complete slow dumbass to realize things right away, and cruel with your words to the point where its like it kills me. But you know what, I'm going to keep hanging on to that ribbon attached to our hearts, and keep moving forward. You may hurt me many, many times, but there are still happy times when I'm with you. There are still other times when we are happy together and not fighting...

I don't know if I'm just being clingy, or just knowing that no matter how hard the pain is, hope will come around soon, I just don't know when.

My final answer will be on December 21st, 2012 to be my final answer...

Will things get better?

Or will this relationship be over?


End file.
